Yoga Massage Juice and the 50 other greatest crush nicknames of all time
So, this is kind of a thing with me. Giving nicknames to crushes. I can't quite pinpoint the first time this happened. It probably occurred in middle school, maybe even in elementary school. But it definitely started up in earnest, for real, in high school. Call it immature, sure. But in reality it is genius. It is the only way to accurately and safely communicate to your best friend the skin burning, loin shaking, white hot crush you have on so-and-so/what's-his-name in your math class/from the mall/at the show/ who's friends with your brother/cousin/ex/neighbor etc. etc. etc. You feel me?
Back in the day, us young hormonal humans had to take pen to paper to express must-know, pertinent details to our peers. We had to write it all out long hand, and then fold those tear soaked sheets up into the craziest origami style, most conveniently small and easily hidden "notes." You see, you had to risk it all back then. Risk being found out by the subject of the gossip, or even worse, by the teacher you're trying to hide it all from. There were horror stories that made it into film and TV shows of monstrous teachers taking wicked pleasure in the discovery of a clandestine note, and then reading the thing out loud in front of the class. The fear was real!
Folding the notes into small shapes was the first deterrent--- in that you could probably pass it to your friend pretty easily without being found out. But just in case it ended up in the wrong hands, you had to figure out a way to talk about someone without actually naming them. I mean, it had to be a fake name that the other person was already informed about. Hence CRUSH NICKNAMES.
One of the very first ones I can remember actively using was "Ziggy." It was my nickname for this half Thai/half white kid I had a crush on, whose actual name was Seamus O' Leary-- which is in fact the most Irish name I have ever seen on a kid that looked 80% Asian. I chose Ziggy because Seamus was into reggae music. This also explains my brief reggae music phase. Yeah, I know. Look, I was 14 ok?
Sadly our love was not to be. Though I did face months of torment from my brother, who was in on my crush, and made fun of me for what Seamus wrote in my 8th grade year book: "See you next year, or before..." Seamus, you tease.
Now, to remember every nickname I would have to go down into my basement and dig up all of my old notes. Oh yes, I still have them! Those things are full of valuable information that I am still bound by my pubescent honor not to share! And also, they are the only way I remember half the crap I went through in my stupidest days.
Another big one would have been Judd. Judd was huge, HUGE! This crush happened after my pop cultural "awakening." I started wearing Smashing Pumpkins shirts and wore clunky shoes. I was straightening my hair and going to shows with my friends. Judd was probably 15. I was 16. He was a more experienced younger man! This was scandalous. I called him Judd because he reminded me of Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club. He was really short with long brown hair. He smoked and hung out with the hessians. His name was Cory Espinoza, and in reality he ended up being my first teenage kiss. It's all because we wrote Deep Thoughts together in a notebook. And when he was trying to romance me he put on a Cure tape. (GOOD MOVE MAN!)
After that, oh my god... the two most memorable crush nicknames happened in community college. "Eddie Vedder", who briefly became my boyfriend, and then turned into my brother's best lifelong skateboard-weirdo-soulmate. And then, there was the man who gave himself so many fake names that I cannot even remember the fake name my best friend and I gave him... such the enigma that he was. You wouldn't even believe his real name if I told you anyway.
This one occurred in the era of email. And let me tell you, I printed out every missive between he and myself and my best friend.
Here are a few names he called himself (and the many other personalities he used in order to send me messages)
Robert Louis Stevenson*** (this was the one we used, now I remember!)
look, the list goes on and on. And if you know me, you know that I have a soft spot for exactly this kind of weirdo. This glorious human was my favorite platonic male companion for my last years in Bakersfield, California. We hung out all the time and I adored him. He was one of the very few Bakersfield friends to ever come and visit me out in Reno.
The spell was broken soon after I left, when he met a non-platonic female companion who took my place by his side. She also married him and helped him create a tiny human, who I'm sure will go on to be weird and hilarious, with dark taste in music and great hair.
What a crush that was! I'll save the story of the time he pulled the greatest prank of all time on me for another post.
Since the late 90's so many good crush nicknames have come and gone.
Mop Top Claw Hand
Yoga Massage Juice
Shiftless Drifter #1
Shiftless Drifter #2
I wish I could remember them all. Some crushes were brief, stupid fixations. Some were torturous wastes of time. A few even turned into boyfriends, but most just fizzled out due to fear of doing anything about them. Look, nicknames are fun and all, but crushes--- in the end they usually go nowhere and just hurt. They take all of your attention, so you may not even notice some nice and willing gent standing by the sidelines. Someone worthy of more than just a nickname, if you ever bothered to realize it.
There might even be someone right now who has already been nicknamed and doesn't even know it. But you'll have to become my best friend to find out, dummy! I ain't no gut spillin' fool!
p.s. Judd/Cory was the first one to ever write my name out as J-me, essentially giving me the greatest Jamie nickname of all time! R.I.P mijo!
Until next time...
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