Treading water in the outer limits of the friend zone
I'm not proud of this... but it's something I'm willing to admit to you.
I'm a serial friend-crusher. Like a big rig of desperation, barreling down your back alley- I've been known to harbor serious crushes on my platonic male friends.
This isn't a new thing. I can easily say that I think this was going on as far back as 1987, when I would watch our neighbor Justin speed skate at the skating rink. With Dude Looks Like a Lady playing over the sound system, and 20 barely pubescent young gents getting down on four wheels, Justin sped past me with his feathered mullet blowing in the hot dog water air... and I was like, so in love. Nothing ever happened of course. In my mind, mainly because we left North Carolina and moved back to California-- our potential love affair was forever thwarted by the bitter distance. I'm sorry to say this Justin, but your memory didn't stop me from moving on...
Since then it hasn't really gotten much better, although god-willing, my therapist might disagree. In recent years I've done some seriously stupid things in the name of the friend zone. Within the last five years I have tried to date three different guys of varying age appropriateness who just happened to live together. I've watched awkward movies with a friend just trying to feel out the territory--is there something? Or are you just reaching towards my crotch because that's where the popcorn is? I asked a good friend over dinner point blank why we had never dated. His main reasoning being that, oh yeah--he was close friends with one of the trio of roommates I dated. Oh yeah... gross. You're right. Sorry.
As if that weren't bad enough, I know for sure that I too have broken the dreams of more than a few platonic friends myself. It's unavoidable. And all you can do is ask yourself, how do people find people they actually want to have sex with rather than just play yahtzee with? Or like, are yahtzee playing sex mates real? I see couples walking around. I see people who have actually had sex together, because they have baby proof. Is it possible to find someone that wants to make out with you long term, and not in a traumatizing "friends with benefits" kinda way? In the actual "you're my lady" kinda way?
It's completely normal. It's how you and I got here in the first place.
My best friend and my therapist both convinced me to get on tinder for this very reason. Because dating is normal. And I should do it. I should stop scaring my male friends with my come-ons. I should get over the fear of dating someone I don't know at all. And then I happened upon the definition of demisexual--which basically explains my predicament PERFECTLY.
"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity."
So totally me. It isn't that I don't want to have sex. It's that I want to have sex with someone that doesn't feel like a total stranger. I want to have at least a little bit of trust there beforehand. I am the alien that can start a new relationship and go a month before initiating sex. It doesn't matter how attracted I am to someone. Sex too soon with someone like me will make you feel like you are shearing a ram. Dead goat eyes staring back at you, wondering if you are ever going to call again...
Realizing all of this recently, I'm feeling way more proud of my willingness to try out dating apps like tinder. I kind of hate it, but I simply cannot continue to try to turn my poor, defenseless male friends into my own personal romance novel Fabios. The friend zone can be a beautiful place where genitals do not have to ever be a part of the conversation. I mean, unless your male friend is asking you questions about your libido. That's a little grey area where you have to make sure you are comfortable with that degree of male/female/non-boning openness.
I think I will live. One tinder date down, X number of future awkward dates to come...
Until then, let's not discuss your sex life, friend.